Well, none of these will win the Bulwer Lytton contest...

Which is, of course a real hoot.   For those who haven't heard of it, the university of Ca in San Jose holds said contest yearly, and is named after the author who supposedly wrote the worst opening sentence of a novel....  evah. 

Anyone can enter.  All you need do is write one sentence, preferably long, as the first one for a novel.  I found the idea so much fun, I entered it.  Once.  And got a lovely runner-up certificate which confirmed that my pen 'was less mighty than (my) sword.'  It's something I cherish, because I worked very hard indeed to formulate a ghastly one.  I hadn't thought about it in years, but the contest is still going strong, and you can see the 2012 winners here.  http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2012win.html

This morning, I ran across the photo below, and it reminded me all over again about Bulwer Lytton.  Except, as hilarious as the quotes are, they'd never make the cut.  Hat tip to Erik at Roids n Rants.