Life is so unfair

I've heared from three doctors, and gotten the same advice. All of them suspect I might have diabees. And given my hisory with Peter... it's really freaking me out. And even tho i knew better, I called Peter. Even after all this time, and you'd think I'd have learned. We used to discuss everything. But he's in a place... there's nuttin' for a come-back or interaction. All he understood is that I may be ill and have diabetes... and he sort of laughed, not meanly but the sense of 'how ironic'. Being the eternal iöptimist, I'd hoped for something in him to awaken and guide me, but it really isn't there any more. Nobody's home and he's in med heaven. Yet still half-way alert. Because when I told him if it really is true that I have diabetes, theere is no WAY, I'm gonna do that. And will leave. And he said, 'take me with you.'. And I said, 'Sorry Bear, can't do that.' If i comes to that and I really do, although I can't imagine why... I've always hated sweets and even ice cream as a kid, haven't had sugar in the house for ten years. But I suppose anything is possible.... But if it is... oh no, I'm not doing it. Have two shout outs from him where just the names make Peter give a shout ou and his heart-felt greetings. First to my Father, and then my cousins D and L. He loves them. which makes me verys happy. Actually... We hadn't been together long, and we were learning about each other, and exchanging stories about our families, and he was so closeted in certain ways for the time, and I wAS SORT OF EXPLODING OUT OF THE CLOSET: Ad writing a lot of stuff. And he took me aside one day and knew that I missed my father. So he took me aside, said he's saved a little money and booked a flight for him to visit us. That was very overwhelming. Of course things went sour... someone in the famblxy thought we were just jerking an old man of 70 around, and so interfered that the discount ticket Peter had gotten got bumpded and he had to pay three hundred dollars more, but other than the original anger at the interference, I never heard one further word of reproach. I later learned it had cost him the money he saved and he took a very large advance on his pay to enable us to go all over the place and for me to show my father the best side of Austria. So I guess he loved me as much as i loved him. And we all know what happened. It was the same with my cousins, and then he just arranged a sailboat tour of the adratic, hoped to be there,but was alreaDY too ill to participate in. Sometimes I think he fell in love with my family, and because he loved me and just spoiled anyone in my family or friends with a generosity that was extraordinary. So it's still there... he knows the names, perks up, says, 'oh, send them my most heartfelt greetings'. So to my Dad and cousins... something is still there in his heart if not in his mind. I can't condemn anything he ever did... later in the relationship. He always loved me, and I was always astgounded. Because he was so beutiful and I WAS A GEEK: bUT WHATEVER. If I ge a posiive on a diabetes test... there is no way I'm gonna end up a vegertable in a Pflegeheim. so... enough upset for one day. And oh yeah...